My Little Old Man

My feelings have been hurt for a couple of weeks now.

Max, my 14 year old cocker, is my life. He has helped me through some pretty bad times. When I was recovering from surgery to have my right inner ear removed he stayed by my side 24 hours a day even though I had to crawl for the first two weeks that I was home (I had to learn to balance with only one inner ear).

Well, for a couple of weeks now, when I would go to tousle his little top knot, he would shy away from my hand for a moment. It was really like he was afraid I was going to strike him. Since he has never been hit in his life I was wondering what it was that I could have done.

Then yesterday I was looking deep into his eyes (yes, I do that) and I realized something. Although his eyes have been cloudy with age for some time now I suddenly saw just how bad they really are. So now I move more slowly when I go to pet him on the top of his head and he has no problem. I feel bad, thinking that I was scaring him. My heart hurts knowing that he is going blind. I knew it would probably come as he got older but this is a lot for me to handle. I suffer from major depressive disorder and anxiety and he helps me with dealing with going outside and when I have panic attacks.

He is already going deaf. He no longer hears a soft knock at the door like he used to. I have been around older cocker spaniels before, so I knew this would be a part of his aging. But realizing his blindness in a flash like I did has left me so sad. It makes me love him even more, if that is possible, as now I realize that he will need me to be more careful with him.

That dog bed was the best $36.00 I ever spent! I miss him snuggling on the couch with me but he would no longer jump up by himself and, once I helped him up, I was afraid of him hurting himself by jumping down.

I will try to push the knowledge of his mortality out of my mind until it must be faced. I should still have a few years with him and I need to concentrate on making his life easier in his old age. He has been there for me, now it is my turn to be there for him.

Music And Mental Health

Yesterday my friend, M, and I were talking about how our mental health has changed as we have gotten older. He also has problems with anxiety. His is not nearly as bad as mine is, but that doesn't matter when you are in the thick of things.

One thing that has changed is how we view song lyrics now that we have suffered our mental health problems. What was once a great song can now be enjoyed with a greater understanding of its meaning, real or implied.

"Who Can It Be Now" by the group Men At Work (lyrics below) is one such song. When we were in high school it was just a catchy tune with memorable lyrics. Now, I can really relate to what is being said. Paranoia is part of the cocktail that is my diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder and anxiety. The singer is clearly suffering from this and is not happy having his sanity questioned (There's nothing wrong with my state of mental health). "Is it the men come to take me away" shows the sad fear that paranoia brings.

Another song I enjoy for its take on health, mental and physical, is "Afternoons And Coffeespoons" by the Crash Test Dummies (lyrics below). It is funny, to me, that I now wear my pajamas in the daytime and my day can be measured with "coffeespoons", or doses of medication. I also find the mention of T. S. Eliot to be nice. I can only imagine that "Wasteland" is what the song writer was referring to.

Music was once very important to me as a coping, destressing, mechanism. Now I have a larger toolbox from which to choose ways to alleviate anxiety and racing thoughts. These include TV, DVDs, and games and audible books on my iPod. But music will always hold a special place in my arsenal.

Does music help you when you are anxious? Or just sad? Do you have any suggestions for me?




"Who Can It Be Now?"

Who can it be knocking at my door?
Go away, don't come 'round here no more
Can't you see that it's late at night?
I'm very tired and I'm not feeling right
All I wish is to be alone
Stay away, don't you invade my home
Best off if you hang outside
Don't come in, I'll only run and hide

Who can it be now?
Who can it be now?
Who can it be now?
Who can it be now?

Who can it be knocking at my door?
Make no sound, tip-toe across the floor
If he hears, he'll knock all day
I'll be trapped and here I'll have to stay
I've done no harm, I keep to myself
There's nothing wrong with my state of mental health
I like it here with my childhood friend
Here they come, those feelings again

Who can it be now?
Who can it be now?
Who can it be now?
Who can it be now?

Is it the men come to take me away?
Why do they follow me?
It's not the future that I can see
It's just my fantasy
Yeah

Oh, who can it be now?
Who can it be now?
Who can it be now?
Who can it be now?

"Afternoons And Coffeespoons"

What is it that makes me just a little bit queasy?
There's a breeze that makes my breathing not so easy
I've had my lungs checked out with X rays
I've smelled the hospital hallways

Someday I'll have a disappearing hairline
Someday I'll wear pyjamas in the daytime

Times when the day is like a play by Sartre
When it seems a bookburning's in perfect order
I gave the doctor my description
I've tried to stick to my prescription

Someday I'll have a disappearing hairline
Someday I'll wear pyjamas in the daytime

Afternoons will be measured out
Measured out, measured with
Coffeespoons ans T.S. Eliot

Maybe if I could do a play-by-playback
I could change the test results that I will get back
I've watched the summer evenings pass by
I've heard the rattle in my bronchi...

Good News / Bad News

For the last two days I have been a nervous mess.

Today I had a little surgical procedure on my neck. You see, in addition to the MDD  (Major Depressive Disorder) and anxiety, I am blessed with horrible neck and back pain. So today the doctor injected numbing agents into both sides of my neck. The good news is that it did provide some relief. I have a much better range of motion without pain. From here we will go on to inject different material into my neck to provide longer periods of relief.

I was petrified to have it done but I am thrilled with the result. It really just kinda pinched hard as she was doing it because they had given me a topical numbing agent at the site. I was exhausted from the worry and the calmative (benadryl) that they gave me before the procedure so I took a nap when I got home. When I awoke there was no pain in my neck. And I have been sitting at the computer for a few hours now and still no stabbing pains. So far so good. And if it works for my neck, perhaps we can find a similar solution for my lower back.

Bad news is - I have no cigarettes. I know it is an awful habit and that I should quit. This lack of cigs is due to lack of money because I had stupid medical expenses this month that hadn't been planned on. But I will have some by the weekend, so that is some consolation. I just have to tough it out. Oh, and no caffeine, either. Oh, well.

I have spent a lot of time reading all kinds of articles about how to have a better blog. I have shared some of them with you. There is all kinds of information out there for the taking. Hopefully my blog will be getting better and you will continue to like what I write.

Thank you for your time.

Facebook Therapy Is Good

I wasn't going to post today. (Well, now that would be yesterday.) I have been in high anxiety mode for most of the day.

Those of us with MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) are also plagued by anxiety. When the anxiety partners with the repetitious thoughts that the MDD brings to the table, it can be a perfect storm. All day today was racing thoughts and panic attacks.

The repeating thoughts started easily enough. This morning, bright and early, I Facebook chatted with my youngest son. Just as we ended the short chat, in which we both said I love you, this thought popped into my head: "What if this is the last time I talk to him or he talks to me?". For the rest of the day today my brain has been trying to convince me that something horrible was going to happen to him or to me. I had to leave the house for an appointment that I had to keep. Surely I was going to get t-boned by a truck or he was going to wreck on his way home from work. Over and over today I sought distractions. Some worked, but only briefly.

As you can see, I am still here. And I haven't gotten a phone call every parent dreads. So all day was spent frozen in fear for no reason other than my brain was having its way with me. The feelings of impending doom proved false, for today.

That's stupid, you may say, why not just tell yourself that the thoughts are silly and get on with your day? Oh, if I only could. If only.

Eventually the distraction of the interweb won out and I can breath a bit easier now, which is good because it's bedtime. A nice long Facebook chat with a Facebook friend helped quite a bit. It was a little Facebook therapy. Sometimes it helps to talk about it. But sometimes it doesn't. I never know until I am faced with talking to another person.

As for today, the Facebook therapy worked. Eventually. I am grateful for the friend and for the many posts in my newsfeed that tried to keep my brain occupied. And I am grateful to you, for reading this post about what it is like to be me sometimes.

Hopefully my brain exhausted itself today and tomorrow will be uneventful. I can only hope.

Dark Days

Yesterday was a dark day. I barely made it out of bed by the late afternoon. I just stayed there and watched Breaking Bad DVDs on the TV. That has become my distraction of choice when I feel blah. What made me feel even worse is that I had just been thinking that the new med change had been working - my anxiety level was down, I had found something I was really enjoying (blogging and having the new Facebook page to go with it). But that's the way it goes. One day you're up, one day you're down.

I had written this not too long ago to share in a contest. I think I will share it here, with you. To let you know how I live and to let those of you who feel the same know that you are not alone. Enjoy:

DAYS

Sometimes I live in sunshine.

I greet every day with a happy heart. Each morning brings with it a promise of new opportunities. I sip my hot coffee laced with hazelnut creamer as I scan the headlines. Motes sparkle like pixie dust dancing in the sun streaming through the open blinds.

There is a smile on my face as my black cocker spaniel and I exit the building. I take joy in watching him explore the world of smells made anew with each daybreak.

I sit down in my living room to write and the words come easy. My fingers fly as the sentences form on the page. I am delighted when I find that, when I reread it, some of it is actually okay.

I cook delicious meals and cakes and brownies and share them with my neighbors. The apartment smells like a home where love resides as the scent of chocolate permeates the air.

I take great pride as I clean my small home. Everything is in its place. The kitchen gleams. The bathroom shines. I dust the items in my beloved bookshelves.

I chat on the phone or on the computer with my friends. If I have somewhere to go I am happy to be out and grateful that my car is running. Sometimes I take my neighbors places where they would like to go.

When I retire to my bedroom at the end of the day I am glad for the things I accomplished and happy to be in my little spot on the globe. I look forward to the next glorious day.

Sometimes I live in darkness.

The morning doesn’t matter because I’ve been up half the night. The blinds remain closed – I have no desire to see the outside world.

The dog MUST go out so I MUST take him. I see that his face is a little grayer, his eyes a little cloudier with age, than they were yesterday.

The bedroom is my pit for the day. If I write I bring the laptop to the bed or I write longhand. The words must be pulled from my mind like saltwater taffy. And once out they seem to sneer back at me.

Eat or not eat, doesn’t matter. If I do it’s quick and easy and processed. The kitchen may as well be a distant land. Wrappers and boxes and soda bottles find themselves dropped by the bedside. Plates and bowls stack up wherever I can put them without getting up.

I don’t have new dirty laundry because I don’t change my clothes.

I can speak to my friends on the phone but I feel fake. It’s much better on the computer where inflection is harder to determine.

If I have somewhere to go I cancel or reschedule. The thought of driving or riding the bus fills me with such dread that I am frozen in time.

Sometimes I tremble, vibrate, unable to catch my breath. Disjointed thoughts race through my head at breakneck speed and I am paralyzed by unfounded fears. Sometimes I am just there, a slug, taking up a blob of space.

Bedtime doesn’t matter – I’m already there. Hopefully I can sleep. I am filled with apprehension at the thought of another day like this one.

If I could only choose, I would only live in sunshine. But I have no more a choice in that than I do in my eye color. And, after all, it is the combination of the days that makes me ME. So I do my best to embrace the wondrous days and try not to spend them regretting the times when I cannot see the sun.

The Interweb Is Great

It is a beautiful Sunday morning.

While I was reading over my previous post, I had a twinge of angst when I got to the part where I shared my diagnosis of MDD (Major Depressive Disorder). I thought, oh no, I have said too much too soon. I have given you too much information and now you may not like me. Then I quickly decided - no. My mental health is a part of who I am and it has a great deal to do with why I am where I am and how I got here. I have to accept that diagnosis, I have to deal with it every day. Yes there are times when I ask, "Why me?". And I try not to dwell on that pitiful question for too long but, ah!, there's the rub. The nature of the beast makes me dwell on thoughts that are not good for me, or productive. I find that I am most comfortable being frank and open about my mental health concerns.

I am just finding all sorts of stuff about blogs and blogging on the internet! A Facebook page that I follow had a post this morning that was a list of tips on what to do and what not to do with your blog. Nothing like a touch of serendipity to start your day!

It isn't that I am surprised about what is out there about blogs, it is just that I am thinking to myself, "Self, why didn't you do this sooner?" But I guess there is a time for everything. I recently had some work accepted for a contest and that seems to have given me a little boost of confidence. That, and I believe I am going through something of a manic phase brought on by a sudden influx of caffeine after not having had any for a while. Either way, it's good.

I think that my friend, M, will be happy about me blogging. Bless his heart, he is the one who patiently listens to the largest majority of my ramblings. As I said before, I just don't have that many live and in person friends.

How I Got Here

About a year ago a dear friend of mine, I'll call him M, suggested I make a Facebook page. He felt that it would be a good form of social interaction for me. After much fretting and his many reassurances that if I didn't like it I could abandon the page and wouldn't face a firing squad, I did it. As is the case with most of his suggestions, it has been wonderful for me.

You see, I don't get out much. I have been rendered disabled for a few years now. My formal diagnosis is Major Depressive Disorder. Then I have some aural hallucinations thrown in for fun, degenerative disc disease in my back and neck, and anxiety that often leaves me speechless and frozen in place. The sum total of all these things most often assures that you will find me rooted to my couch or bed.

I had to move to a different part of town so I am not near my family or the friend that I do have here in town. M lives a couple of hours away. Where I am is okay but "people come and go so quickly here", to paraphrase Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz. I have made a few friends but am not overly close, not girlfriend close, to anyone here. At times I would feel quite isolated.

But then came Facebook! Ah! Facebook! I connected again with family and friends far away. I gradually got brave enough to accept friend requests from people I didn't know in real life. And, oh, the kitty cats! And the games! Then I began to find writing pages and groups.

I have had some work accepted for submission and that, friends and neighbors, has led me here. It has given me some much needed confidence. Perhaps I can share what I love to do and you will find it enjoyable. Please bear with me as I stumble around in blogland.

Thank you,
Mary