Thankful Thursday

The last few days I have been driving myself crazier.

As you know, I am new to blogging. And when I am new to something I like to learn all I can about it. So I have been reading every article I can find with "How-to" and "Blog" in the title.

I now have some of the vocabulary down. SEO, content marketing, h/t, Google Plus. Argh!

Of course, I can't just learn something without letting it fill me with self doubt about what I was doing. I made myself so anxious about writing a post. What if I do something wrong? What if I write something good but post it at the wrong time? What if, what if, what if.

I have joined circles, added people back, followed back, backed over people. No, that last isn't right, but you know what I mean.

And I have decided that the best thing I can do is take that knowledge that I have gained in the last few days and nicely bundle it up and stick it on a shelf in my head. I will do with the blog what I started to do with the blog in the first place. I will write so that you may have some insight into what it's like to be me and I will hope that you enjoy what I share with you. There. I said it.

While I was perusing Facebook today I saw a post that had, instead of Throwback Thursday, a Thankful Thursday. I decided that was a good thing to write about.

I am thankful that my family and friends are healthy and, for the most part, happy. I am grateful that my fourteen year old dog is in good health. He is just the most wonderful dog I could ever ask for. He is going a little deaf and a little blind but we will face that together. My cat has seizures and she has not had one for months now, so I am thankful for that.

My car is running well. I have my father to thank for that, and I do. I don't have to ride the bus or pay someone to take me to the doctor's office or the grocery store. Riding the bus makes me very nervous. I am always afraid I will get on the wrong bus or get lost somewhere.

I don't get much money from disability but it is enough to pay for a place to live, groceries, and cable with internet. I am grateful for my computer. It provides me with most of the social interaction I get since my bad back prevents me from going places. Perhaps those injections like they did in my neck will work for my lower back and I will be able to go to the farmer's market or perhaps downtown to just walk around. That will be nice.

I am thankful just to be here. Although I am often depressed and anxious and obsessing about one thing or another, I try my best to find something good in every day. Something good to keep me here.

And that is what I am thankful for this Thursday. What are you thankful for?

Breaking Breaking's Grasp

From talking with people I have come to the conclusion that you either hate the TV show Breaking Bad or you love it. I happen to love it. Really love it.

I didn't watch it while it was on TV until the last half of the last season. My friend, M, had told me that I would probably like it but I just kept forgetting to watch. And now I'm obsessed.

Shortly after Christmas this year my sister's fiance made some Facebook posts about them watching the DVDs of the show. All but the last half of the last season was on Netflix but I didn't have Netflix at the time. I had to refer back to a marathon that AMC had shown. Well, when they were finished watching the DVDs they loaned them to me!

I had a marathon of my own. For days I watched nothing but the show. When I would come to the last one I would start over, each time noticing stuff that I had missed. The last half of the last season hadn't been released yet so I believe it felt like I couldn't get closure. Since then Netflix has acquired the series finale of the show so guess who got Netflix! Me.

This is one of those cases where I don't know why I do what I do. Yes, the acting is great. The writing is superb. And Bryan Cranston is, well, he's Bryan Cranston. I've loved him since he was on the show Malcolm in the Middle.

It has gotten to the point where the show is soothing to me. I've come to rely on it when nothing else is on TV and also when I am feeling bad or anxious. No commercials. Three or four hours of uninterrupted fantastic TV. I don't really know what about the show has caused me to obsess about it but obsess I do. I know it isn't normal or productive but my anxiety often makes me do things like that. Maybe the show gives me something to think about besides my anxiety.

I am grateful that I could get Netflix. When my sister and her fiance take back their DVDs I probably won't watch as much because it involves hooking the computer up to the TV. But that is okay.

Those of us with MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) don't get to pick what we are obsessed with. Thank goodness I sometimes pick TV shows, which is relatively harmless.

Immediately upon awakening today I could tell it is going to be a day riddled with vague anxiety. So today is a day of watching Walt and Jesse. And I have to accept that that is okay.