Sunday, February 15, 2015

No More Shadow

I can now walk from room to room unhindered.

When I turn I don't have to wait for someone to turn around, too.

Everyone says that fifteen years is a long time. No, it's not long enough.

My depression is really rearing it's ugly head. I am taking lots of naps. When I am asleep I don't hurt. But every time I awake I look for him. In that one brief second I forget that I no longer have a little buddy.

He was my buddy, my little man, my Bubba. He was my reason for getting up in the morning and the one that I spooned with at night. He was my velcro dog. He was my shadow. He was my heart and my life.

And now he is gone.

Mary's Maximillian
November 16th, 1999 to February 12th, 2015

He had Cushing's disease that caused pancreatitis and renal failure. And I was in denial. I took him to the vet thinking that they could give me a fix for his tummy troubles and we would be okay. But we weren't okay.

In the end I could not be selfish, although I really wanted to be.

I do have a kitty, Pinky, but she is not a cuddly kitty. She comes to me a few times a day for pets and to get me to give her wet food.

I am trying to feel better by binge watching Breaking Bad. And that is comforting.

But my heart aches for one more hug, one more walk, one more look into those old eyes that never showed me anything but adoration.

I feel lost and off-kilter without him.

My heart is shattered.

I have no more shadow.


  1. oh mary. i'm so very sorry. allow yourself time to mourn as much time as it takes. love you.

    1. Thank you dear Michele. You are a wonderful friend. Love you, too.

  2. Very sorry to hear of your loss..time to grieve is important…it's a love and affection that is like no other…remember the happiness..xo

    1. I appreciate you taking the time to comment Bipolar Nana. Yes, you are right. It is like no other love. I cherish his memory. I had him from the time he was a tiny 6 week old bundle of fluff with puppy breath. xoxo

  3. YOU young lady have NOT lost your Shadow he's there with you watching over you as a angle. You're Shadow is healthy and whole again, remember we miss them they do not miss us because they are always with us. love you doll stay strong oxox

  4. Such a beautiful, poignant read, and a lovely tribute to your furry friend. You have bought tears to my eyes.

    I'm so sorry for your loss! I'm sure he is still shadowing you. :)

    All the best, kimmie x

    1. Thank you for your lovely comment kimmie. I really appreciate it. Yes, in some way I feel that he is still here with me. Thank you. :)

  5. I am so sorry. As an animal lover, I have been there myself and I so understand. Although it may be too early, I'm one of those who believes that the best tribute one can make to a beloved pet is to rescue another in his honor. Maybe this will be your decision, and I wish you the best with it!