Dark Days

Yesterday was a dark day. I barely made it out of bed by the late afternoon. I just stayed there and watched Breaking Bad DVDs on the TV. That has become my distraction of choice when I feel blah. What made me feel even worse is that I had just been thinking that the new med change had been working - my anxiety level was down, I had found something I was really enjoying (blogging and having the new Facebook page to go with it). But that's the way it goes. One day you're up, one day you're down.

I had written this not too long ago to share in a contest. I think I will share it here, with you. To let you know how I live and to let those of you who feel the same know that you are not alone. Enjoy:

DAYS

Sometimes I live in sunshine.

I greet every day with a happy heart. Each morning brings with it a promise of new opportunities. I sip my hot coffee laced with hazelnut creamer as I scan the headlines. Motes sparkle like pixie dust dancing in the sun streaming through the open blinds.

There is a smile on my face as my black cocker spaniel and I exit the building. I take joy in watching him explore the world of smells made anew with each daybreak.

I sit down in my living room to write and the words come easy. My fingers fly as the sentences form on the page. I am delighted when I find that, when I reread it, some of it is actually okay.

I cook delicious meals and cakes and brownies and share them with my neighbors. The apartment smells like a home where love resides as the scent of chocolate permeates the air.

I take great pride as I clean my small home. Everything is in its place. The kitchen gleams. The bathroom shines. I dust the items in my beloved bookshelves.

I chat on the phone or on the computer with my friends. If I have somewhere to go I am happy to be out and grateful that my car is running. Sometimes I take my neighbors places where they would like to go.

When I retire to my bedroom at the end of the day I am glad for the things I accomplished and happy to be in my little spot on the globe. I look forward to the next glorious day.

Sometimes I live in darkness.

The morning doesn’t matter because I’ve been up half the night. The blinds remain closed – I have no desire to see the outside world.

The dog MUST go out so I MUST take him. I see that his face is a little grayer, his eyes a little cloudier with age, than they were yesterday.

The bedroom is my pit for the day. If I write I bring the laptop to the bed or I write longhand. The words must be pulled from my mind like saltwater taffy. And once out they seem to sneer back at me.

Eat or not eat, doesn’t matter. If I do it’s quick and easy and processed. The kitchen may as well be a distant land. Wrappers and boxes and soda bottles find themselves dropped by the bedside. Plates and bowls stack up wherever I can put them without getting up.

I don’t have new dirty laundry because I don’t change my clothes.

I can speak to my friends on the phone but I feel fake. It’s much better on the computer where inflection is harder to determine.

If I have somewhere to go I cancel or reschedule. The thought of driving or riding the bus fills me with such dread that I am frozen in time.

Sometimes I tremble, vibrate, unable to catch my breath. Disjointed thoughts race through my head at breakneck speed and I am paralyzed by unfounded fears. Sometimes I am just there, a slug, taking up a blob of space.

Bedtime doesn’t matter – I’m already there. Hopefully I can sleep. I am filled with apprehension at the thought of another day like this one.

If I could only choose, I would only live in sunshine. But I have no more a choice in that than I do in my eye color. And, after all, it is the combination of the days that makes me ME. So I do my best to embrace the wondrous days and try not to spend them regretting the times when I cannot see the sun.